We recently finished a three-week series on marriage, which was part of a longer series that we have been doing for the past several months on the book of Ephesians. You can hear the audio of the sermons from the 'Sermon Downloads' page in the 'Resources' section of this website.
To go along with this series on marriage, I had made available a short article with some 'thoughts' that I had shared in a youth meeting several months back on finding a spouse. I am posting it here now in case it might be useful to others of you.
1. It’s good to want to be married, and to take proactive steps to do so.
- Nothing wrong with this – it isn’t good for man/woman to be alone.
- Do what you need to do in order to find someone!
2. Finding a spouse is one of the most critical decisions you will ever make in life.
- Finding God is the most critical decision you will ever make – but marriage is second.
- Your spouse has the power to transform your life, for better or worse.
- This is too important to be left to feelings, or to others (eg. parents, pastor), or to ‘fate’ – that’s fine if you just want to ‘survive’, but not if you want your short life to glorify God and have maximum impact for Him.
- You need to think, pray, be proactive, etc.
3. The Bible doesn’t tell us exactly how we should go about finding a spouse.
- This doesn’t mean that the Bible doesn’t help us at all, but it doesn’t give us a specific system or tell us, for example, how involved our parents should be.
- But the Bible does tell us a lot about marriage itself, and this in many ways dictates how we should think about going about finding a spouse.
- Again the Bible would not accept the traditional arranged system purely as it is normally practiced, nor would it accept the contemporary dating system as it is normally practiced – it has positive/negative things to say about both.
4. The most important thing to remember in finding a spouse is the purpose of marriage.
- The purpose of marriage is for two people covenanting together for the purpose of companionship, friendship, partnership, oneness for the purpose of glorifying God, reflecting Christ and the Church, helping each other toward holiness, working together to expand the kingdom of God.
- One absolute non-negotiable – if you are a believer in Jesus, then your spouse must be a believer (1 Cor 7:39; 2 Cor 6:14-15).
- Your potential spouse must not just be a believer, but someone who reflects the same desire to know Christ, to grow in Christ, to make Christ known.
- How this might work out in an arranged marriage:
- Don’t just leave this up to your parents – you need to be very much involved and proactive.
- You want to be on the same page as your parents as much as possible, and you want to take advantage of the few opportunities you have to observe the other person, ask strategic questions, etc.
- Possible questions to ask of a potential spouse – share testimony, goals in life, what’s important to you, do you go to church, which church, why that church, who’s your pastor, is he good, etc.
- Look for small gestures of humility, teachability, servant-heartedness, heart for God, etc.
- Get ‘background checks’ from people you know.
- Don’t just go for looks, for degrees, for position, for salary, etc.
- Don’t let people pressure you – take your time, be sure (of course you can never be 100% sure, but there should be a certain sense of peace)
- How this might work out for those finding their own spouse:
- Don’t be mesmerized by their beauty, style, personality, popularity, position, etc. (Prov 31:30)
- Hard to imagine how little beauty has to do with anything once you are married.
- Most people walk into a room and eliminate most people there simply based on outward appearance or style – don’t do this!
- Look for a friend, a partner, someone you can talk to, someone who shares the same vision, passion, interests – not a servant, a provider, and certainly not a trophy!
- Look for character – someone who is humble, teachable, godly, kind, simple, compatible, etc.
- Look for someone who would make a good parent, good son/daughter-in-law – anything to give you a longer-term perspective on things.
- Listen to people you respect.
5. The normal pattern for making decisions/finding God’s will also applies to finding a spouse.
- Some people get too freaked out, some people are too casual on this issue.
- Trust in God’s providence, but don’t be weird, superstitious, or over-spiritual – looking for signs, putting out ‘fleeces’, etc.
- The main thing in making decisions is wisdom – know God’s Word, pray about it, ask wise people for advice, don’t follow just your feelings, think long-term, use your common sense, etc.
- Take however much time you need – don’t let people pressure you.